Trying not to be hopeful

We're nearing up on new attempt number 1 real quickly.  I gotta say I'm trying not to get my hopes up early on this time.  There really isn't much to say other than that, just kind of in a holding pattern waiting for mother nature to kick things into gear.

A bit of hope

No posts in a while, and I must admit we were getting a bit down about the situation.  We've been given a bit of hope, though.  Sheri's work is switching insurance providers at the start of the new year, giving us the chance to try IUI again, and we've switched reproductive endocrinologists.  In the past month or so, I've been MRI'ed, wanded, poked, pricked...put through the standard fertility testing gamut.  So far, the test results have come back far better than I ever could have hoped for.  The uterus is still heart-shaped, but not bad enough to need any surgery.  My bloodwork all came back at normal levels, and we're still waiting for the results of the big one - my ovarian reserve.  Dr. Murray is going to try me on a newer follicle stimulating drug, the name escapes me, but it's basically Clomid except stronger.  She seems to be pretty optimistic.  Now, we get the fun of sperm donor shopping.  We're set to try again with January's cycle, providing my ovarian reserve isn't on E.

Question for readers, please answer in comment?

I found out last night while researching IVF trials that there is a site, kind of like Kickstarter, that allows you to crowdsource funding for IVF.  I'm a bit torn as to whether we should persue it or not, part of me says that it's mooching.  The other part of me says it's not mooching, it's asking for help for something we simply cannot come up with the money for and still make our bills etc.  What are y'all's thoughts on it?

Same old, same old

It never fails, when we're gearing up for another insemination attempt, or I'm ovulating, (or both, as currently is the case) I get bone deep depressed.  It's not going to happen naturally for us, but instead of accepting that and moving on, we choose to continue to drag ourselves through the hell of trying, getting hopeful and then getting our hearts broken a bit more.  It's like the people who play the lottery week after week after week, hoping for that one chance in multiple millions that they'll get a payout.  It's sad, really, and a lot like beating your head against a wall.

So, what are our options?  Foster care?  Well, ok, that's a chance, but it's also a lot of heartbreak   The kids aren't even available for adoption unless every single chance for their parents to take them back is exhausted.  How many kids will we get placed with us, only to have them taken back?  How long will we be able to handle that?

IVF?  No, that's not going to work either.  We can't get approved via insurance for it because we're not using our husband's sperm.  There are free clinical trials we could apply for, but they would require multiple trips out of state, and that's just not possible.  We have a mortgage, a car note, bills, etc, so applying for medical financing is out of the question.

Surrogacy?  Well, it's a great idea in theory, but surrogates who aren't paid are few and far in between.  We can't afford to pay for it, or we'd just do IVF.  We have friends we could ask, I guess, but that is a HUGE request.  Not like it's just asking to borrow a book.  We would have to ask someone to get pregnant using a piece of themselves, carry that piece for us, then give it away.

Adoption?  See above, RE money.

I just get more and more disheartened and jaded as time goes by.

Another failed attempt

That pretty much says it all.

The Attempt That Wasn't Really An Attempt

So, we went on vacation last week.  Ovulation was to happen over the beginning of vacation, leaving us without a nearby donor, so we decided to inseminate the day before we left.  Lately, the attempts are really just going through the motions, because it feels like we're wasting time if we don't.  We've started the process of getting approved for foster care, with the intent to foster-to-adopt.  This attempt was really casual, neither of us were really 100% sure of when ovulation was, as we never used OPK's this time.  Kind of takes away the stress of the two week wait , as we both just kind of shoved the information to the back of our minds.  Que sera sera.

Vacation was fun, a much needed break, and now we're back and preparing for my surgery.

Musings

I think the full reality of the situation has finally sunk in.  Between Sheri's one working ovary, fibroids and endo, and my diminished ovarian reserve and lowered whateverthehellitwas levels, we are probably not going to manage to conceive.  Not to mention, one donor crapped out on us without so much as a word, three guys who had agreed to donate for us ducking out and our current donor being rather hard to peg down donations with due to being out of town when we ovulate (granted last month we ovulated a day early and managed to catch that cycle, but had that not happen we wouldn't have made it.  It seems like the odds are too stacked against us.  At what point does one give up on hope of having a child?

We have considered trying to find a friend to surrogate for us.  Unfortunately it's a huge thing to ask.  We can't afford to do traditional surrogacy with a "professional" surrogate.  If we could afford that, we would just do IVF on one of us, but I'll come back to that.  We would have to find one of our friends willing to carry for us using her own egg and a donor's sperm, but how do you ask someone to do that?  Ask them to not only carry a child for you, hijack their lives for a full gestation period, deal with all that comes with it...but to ask them to lend us her genetic makeup as well, a part of her own body?  We grudgingly managed to ask, but don't really expect it to bear fruit, so to speak.

On to our only real chance for carrying ourselves, IVF.  I posted back..oh, a while ago.  I don't remember the date, really.  The past two years has kind of blurred together in a mess of sadness and disappointment in that regard.  Anyway, we were told by the reproductive endocrinologist that it was probably our only chance.  We had everything all schedule to start, and then we found out that our insurance wouldn't cover the procedure for us because they would only cover it if the sperm used was from one of our husbands.  Which, obviously, we don't have.  With the procedure costing upwards of 15 grand plus 2-4 grand more for medication and 400 for the anesthesia, (all this is PER ATTEMPT) there's no way we can pay it out of pocket.  A loan would be a possibility, except that we have a mortgage and recently had to take on a car note and there's no way in hell we'd get approved for a loan.

It's a huge, hard thing to accept that your own body isn't capable of doing the one thing humans are put here to do.  Even harder to know that, in my case, had I not been responsible when I was younger, I would have likely been able to get pregnant, but instead I was safe and careful and responsible.  And now, we pay for that good deed.

Another fail

Another month, another fail.  Not much more to say than that.  We're heartbroken again, as we have been every other month for the past 2 years.

this.

this may never happen for us. 

Small update

A lot's happened since my last post, but at the same time, not a lot at all.  We lost our donor, found a new one, had some testing done.  A clogged tube was cleared and we're good to go for next month's cycle.  I'm not really going to go into thoughts or feelings on all this right now, mostly because I don't really know what my thoughts and feelings are.  Anyway, more soon.

Giving up?

We went to see the Reproductive Endocrinologist this weekend.  I wish I could say it was a positive experience, but while she struggled to maintain professional politeness, I was left with a bad taste in my heart and my mouth.  Basically the medical news was neutral.  She wants to check to see if the prior procedures done left any scar tissue, if Sheri's good tube is still clear, if the fibroid in her uterine wall is causing any issues.  If all that is good, we'll have our donor check his sperm count, motility, etc.  If everything's good to go, she'll start S on the usual process of ultrasound monitoring to detect ovulation, triggering the surge if need be, and meds.  On a human level, it was far from neutral.  The doctor would barely look at me, insisted on calling our donor S's "sexual partner" and, when she did acknowledge verbally that we were lesbians, she lectured us profusely on the legal rights of the "father".  Now, listing our donor as a sexual partner on paper is a good thing.  It gives us leeway with the FDA regulations we wouldn't have otherwise.  However, in a conference room with no recording devices present, just a three way conversation...ok, two and a half way...it was ridiculous and insulting for her to do so past explaining to us that if she listed him as such we would have more options should we need to inseminate in the clinic. 

I have to say, I've grown pretty pessimistic about the whole getting pregnant situation.  Very likely our only option to do so would be IVF.  IVF is a route taken away from us because our insurance only allows it if you're using your HUSBAND'S sperm.  My egg reserve is low, a hormone that is required for pregnancy is really low...Sheri's missing a fallopian tube, has age working against her...it just doesn't seem likely to happen.  We can look into adoption all day long, but in reality, we don't have that kind of money up front and in large chunks throughout like they need it.  Sheri doesn't want to give up, but I don't know if I can continue to pretend it's ever going to happen and keep myself from falling into severe depression whenever it doesn't.  It's not as if we can just go ask a friend to let us knock her up, and that's really the only way I see that we'll ever have a kid.

Nothing new or exciting.

We had another attempt in March, and another failure to conceive.  Sometimes I wonder if this is all for nothing.  Combined, we've had ten attempts since October 2010...shouldn't something have happened by now?  It's so damn hard to keep trying each month when we've been conditioned to expect failure.  We're trying not to be pessimistic about it, but I don't know how to do that at this point.  We have an appointment with another reproductive endocrinologist next Thursday, maybe they'll be able to shed some light (and dare I say it, hope) on our situation.

Diminished capacity for excitement

We're coming up on another pregnancy attempt, and I have to say, going into this one, I'm lacking a certain excitement that has been there for prior attempts.  We have an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) appointment tomorrow to see what's the what, but even that doesn't have me hopeful.  This last attempt, with so many signs that could have been early pregnancy, when my hopes were dashed, they were dashed hard.  I know it was much the same for Sheri.  I wonder, how many times can our hearts be broken before we're both too shattered to go on?  Ah, well.

This attempt will be attempt four, I think, with our local donor.  He continues to be an amazing person, very outgoing in his dealings with us.  He wants us to succeed as much as we do, I think.  After so many swings and misses with donors and sperm banks, it's so nice to have a responsible, dependable person to rely on. 

I know that this will all happen when and how it's meant to, but it's such a hard process.  We see so many people with babies they didn't plan, didn't want in some cases, and it came so easily to them.  I find it endlessly frustrating and unfair that we, a couple who have the money, time, love and want for a child, are having so much trouble.  It's tough not to be bitter.

*sigh*

No pregnancy this month.  This time really kicked us both in the gut, and we've talked about taking a break from trying.  Emotionally it's just too hard on us, month after month of getting our hopes up and getting let down.  I can't speak for Sheri, but I've been considering the option of just giving up and accepting that it's just not meant to be.  Adoption is just too expensive an option, and while we've considered foster care, I don't know if that would work out for us.  I guess we'll just see how it goes. 

Round 4

We had our fourth insemination with our fresh donor on Wednesday.  I think we've finally found our stride with it, having had a friend allow us to meet up at her place and with three month's worth of attempts under our belts.  We say every month that we're not going to get our hopes up, but as usual it's near impossible to not.  This time around, Sheri had cramps two days past her ovulation and now, at four days past, has been having extreme tiredness, mood swings and has been extra weepy.  If this keeps up, I doubt we'll be able to make it to our Mar. 6th pregnancy test date.  Fingers and toes are crossed.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right? Right??

It's been a rough weekend.  We were really excited when we made it to the end of our two week wait, unfortunately this month is a negative.  On top of that disappointment, we found out today that we have to put down a beloved friend, one of our Barb horses, Zydeco.  He broke his ankle on ice in the pasture and it wasn't fixable.  We're trying to gather ourselves and look to the next cycle and keep positive, though.  As I told Sheri earlier, it'll happen when it's meant to.

Just some thoughts

I've been very anxious today, the past few days really.  I hope that the test the 9th will finally be the one that turns up positive.  This process - nearly a year in the making - has taken a toll from both of us.  It's a toll we're both happy to pay, and will continue to pay for as long as it takes, but one that we feel nonetheless.  It never occurred to me, when I was in my early 20's and decided to do the right thing and wait until the right time, that doing the right thing might makes things a lot harder.  I think, though, that this will make us better parents ultimately.  We'll appreciate exactly what this child is to us, because we'll have fought tooth and nail for it to be brought into the world.  At least that's my hope.  Sheri and I both have our flaws and our issues, and while I hope that we can avoid our kid seeing the worst of them, the reality of it is that they probably will.  Will that make us bad parents?  Or just human?  What if we have a baby and we're both completely lost?  We've both had experience with raising or helping to raise other peoples' kids, but how will we fare with our own?  How will we handle the backlash when (if) our families raise issue with our interracial child?  How will we handle the people who will inevitably feel it's in their right to voice their negative opinion of our little family?  How will we prepare our kid to handle people's shit without us there to handle it for them?  I suppose that these are questions every potential or new parent asks themselves.  I know that Sheri and I love one another without question and that love will extend to our child, and that is the groundwork that everything else will be built upon.  We'll be fine.

Hopeful again

We've got about another week to go until we can test.  Sheri and I have both been pretty up-beat about this attempt and trying to stay positive.  I feel like that's the best way to do it, to be pessimistic about it is to invite a negative outcome, unfortunately it makes it a LOT harder if things don't work out. We've been going a more paganistic route this time, using oils meant to enhance fertility and burning candles and such.  We've got our fingers crossed.

Attept 3 with our known donor

We had our third insem attempt with our known donor last..Friday, I believe.  Our previous two attempts have been a bit awkward, due to having to meet in public and then figure out where to go to inseminate since we live so far out and the sample has a shelf life, but this time our dear friends allowed us to meet him at their house and use their basement.  Though still a bit awkward knowing that everyone knew what was going on, I think this try was a lot more comfortable all around.  We're currently sitting in two week wait land, but we get to test shortly before my 30th birthday.  I can't think of a better gift than a positive test, but we'll see how it goes.  This process is so much easier on us, stress-wise, not having to buy sperm and do the process in a clinical setting, and I cannot sing enough praises about our donor.  He is a very kind, handsome, intelligent man and we will forever be grateful for him taking this journey with us.

Feelings leading up to attempt 3

I can't lie and say we aren't hopeful.  It means so much to us, having a child.  To US.  We've spent so much time talking about it, dreaming about it, planning for a future with children.  I really hope this is it for us, that this time will work.  We cannot wait to go through this journey together, and we're so ready for it to start.

Third time's the charm.

We're gearing up for our third attempt with our donor tomorrow.  Tonight we did a little ritual in hopes that it would help us tomorrow, so we shall see.

How do you summarize going on two years of your life?

Not very easily, that's for sure, but I'll give it a shot. 

We met in October 09.  We were fast friends and from the beginning of the friendship we realized that we both wanted kids.  Neither of us had been at a point where we felt it was right to bring a child into the world, though Sheri had fostered children before, but soon after becoming a couple and moving in together, things started to fall into place.  We had the means, the love, the room...now we just needed to work on having the child.  We started trying in August 2010.  We each had three insurance covered intrauterine insemination attempts, and then, if infertility was proven, three invitro attempts.  The process of finding a donor was an arduous one, but eventually we managed, though we did end up switching donors several times for various reasons.  We went through all the various tests to ensure we were both healthy and sound to attempt pregnancy, and we both had scares.  Sheri had what is called a hydrosalpinx, which required surgery and ultimately, the removal of one fallopian tube.  I had two big scares, the first due to an abnormality in the shape of my uterus, the second being a suspected genetic disorder.  The first scare was put at ease after several tests to ensure the shape wouldn't prevent pregnancy or cause spontaneous abortion.  The second was put to ease after a blood test and a LONG wait.  Both of our issues repaired and put to rest, we were free to proceed. Our first attempt was a miasma of emotions, and went awkwardly, as first times tend to do.  We waited our two weeks and a bit more, but unfortunately it ended in what was suspected to be a chemical pregnancy.  The second attempt went a bit better, I was allowed to push the plunger and inseminate Sheri myself.  Again, we waited, tried not to get too hopeful and were disappointed again roughly two weeks later.  Time went past with more attempts and disappointments, and then came the time that we were out of insurance covered attempts.  We applied for IVF, but the insurance turned us down because we were not using our husband's sperm.  Disheartened but still determined, we searched for alternate routes to continue our attempts.  While web searching one day, I ran across what was known at the time, as the freespermdonorregistry.com.  It is a site set up by people like us, who are on a mission to achieve pregnancy by alternative methods.  Through it we met our donor, a kind and altruistic man who lives nearby.  We will be on our third attempt with him this month, and aside from the disappointment of failed attempts, things have gone much more smoothly than they ever did while using the fertility clinic.